


Times

by MiniCinnamon99



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Brainwashing, Bucky Barnes's Trigger Words, Death, Generous Use of the Word F#ck, Graphic Description, Loss of Identity, Mental Anguish, Minor Character Death, Psychological Torture, Swearing, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-16 13:31:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16087091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiniCinnamon99/pseuds/MiniCinnamon99
Summary: A record of all the times he can remember the blink between who he used to be and what they made him.





	Times

**Author's Note:**

> My first time posting on Ao3, and so far, this is a lot more exciting than FF.Net. Can't wait to hear if you like it. The Russian is just Bucky's words and the phrases they used in the movie. Some of it is taken from the movie subtitles, and the other stuff is taken from Google translate and cross-referenced with a google image search of the trigger words. Those images were compiled by people far more knowledgeable in Russian than me, so here's hoping they're correct. If anything's wrong, I'm sorry, but I know zero Russian. I didn't even type it. Copy and paste is a wonderful concept. 
> 
> Also, remember to heed the warnings, because I'm a tad bit insane and haven't figured out how to fix that yet. Very graphic violence, lots of swearing, not for anyone under sixteen to be extra safe. Brainwashing, torture, and death aren't exactly teen-audiences friendly.

There were times over seventy years, especially in the beginning, when he broke through the fuzz. The cloying haze that permanently settled over his autonomy when someone spoke an order. Of course, when it happened, whenever he happened to break through, it was never ideal. There were few instances he could remember at all, but the one he could remember with perfect clarity was by far the worst. He was sure of it.

  


Between one blink and the next, his consciousness switched from _Soldier_ to _Bucky_ and his eyes darted to his metal hand. His fingers were currently _in_ some man’s throat. From the wrist down, his hand was inside the man's body, blood gushing down his arm, down the man's front, pooling on the floor. Bucky's face was wet, hot, _sticky with it_. There was red _everywhere_. He tried moving his hand, instinctive, too fast, not realizing the hand was wrapped around the man's spine, ready to yank it out. The man was still twitching, spasming, trying to scream in excruciating pain but unable to; not wanting to die, but knowing it was too late.

Bucky’s brain howled in horror while he could only stand still in shock. His arm not moving, his brain refusing to process. His eyes met the other man’s and stayed locked there in some sickening parody of apology as the life finally, _thankfully_ , left the other man. The dead eyes stared accusingly at him and Bucky felt his stomach start to roil and his vision start to blur. He rotated his metal arm slightly and _pulled_ . The vicious snap and the disgusting _wet_ tearing noise made him gag and his vision almost went black. The hard thump of the body hitting the floor drew a small sob out of him. But he hung on. Breathing hard, eyes tearing, stomach threatening to rebel, he couldn't bear to look down at the partial spinal column in his hand. He swallowed hard, tried to think.

The scientists wanted it. He could vaguely recall that even in the state he was. It was dripping a lot of blood, rich and dark and metallic. He squeezed his eyes shut and waited, begged, _hoped_ as awful as it was, that the Soldier would take over again. He couldn't do this. He wasn’t a monster, he wasn’t what they were trying to make him. Fuck, maybe they did this on purpose. Maybe they let him break through to test how thorough their _training_ had been. The tears from earlier spilled over. He fumbled at his holster and brought his current issue gun out to look at it. He thumbed the safety off. _Fuck this. Fuck_ **_everything_ ** _._ He put it to his temple.

“Желание.”

The new voice made him jerk and he spun to face whoever had spoken, gun aimed directly at the center of their forehead. The man was armed with nothing but a smile.

“Who are you?”

“Ржавый.” Bucky tightened his grip on the gun but found himself unwilling to pull the trigger, very aware of the _spine_ still in his hand. He wasn’t a _killer_ goddammit. The strange man’s smile widened.

“Семнадцать.” _Fuck_. He had to, didn’t he? Bucky tried pulling the trigger, and his fingers wouldn’t move. Panic rushed through him and his gaze darted between his gun and the overly smug man now getting closer.

“Рассвет. Печь.” Bucky growled and lowered the gun. He stalked toward the man and went to swing a death blow to the man’s temple. He stopped just before touching the man and couldn’t make his body move further. Anger and panic surged through him and he tried again. He stopped again, closer this time, but never actually touching the man. He gave an angry cry and turned, throwing his gun at the wall. He could still destroy things. He just couldn’t destroy the one thing he _wanted_ to.

“Девять.”

Bucky screamed in frustration and panic as the fuzz started to creep back in. He dropped to the ground without realizing it, on his knees, hands pressed against his ears ( _Where did the_ **_spine_ ** _go?_ _Bigger problems Barnes, you ghoul_ _!)_ trying desperately to keep the sound out. ( _What happened to you **wanting** the Soldier back?  **Not like this. Please, not like this.** )_

“Добросердечный.” The haze crept over him and he reached out, slamming his metal fist into the wall. He didn’t want this. He _hated_ this. Why couldn’t he just _die_?

“возвращение на родину. ”

“Один.” His skin felt alight with _fire_ and he screamed, slamming both of his fists into the ground, the haze fully creeping in and cutting his scream midway.

“Грузовой вагон.” And Bucky Barnes was lost.

The Soldier got to his feet.

“Доброе утро, Солдат.” _Good Morning, Soldier._

“Я готов отвечать.” _Ready to comply._ **No Barnes, no! Fight!** ** _Do something!_** _Who is Barnes?_

**...I don’t know.**

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos are cool, reviews are great, constructive criticism is AMAZING!


End file.
